Inside the Crazy Mind of a Conspiracy Theorist

I worked as a copywriter last year, and one of our business’ clients required huge quantities of articles for his conspiracy website. Some weeks I would be required to churn out 15 articles on the same subject. And the worst part – these articles had to incorporate the most ridiculous SEO keywords I’ve ever seen! Here are just a few of the most bizarre keywords:

• airport screeners security
• arms of mass destruction
• beverage food industry
• biometric fingerprint door locks
• dick cheney is evil
• effects of overpopulation in humans

Obviously those are some of the funnier ones. But I’ll tell you one thing, I didn’t find it very humorous writing ‘informed’ articles with keywords like these, especially because we had to insert them about 8 times into every post. It was challenging. Just try it if you don’t believe me. I’ve never felt so ashamed of my writing. Those ghastly keywords inspired sentences like this one:

Airport screeners security measures represent yet another form of government control and a subtle attack on our civil liberties.

But if you thought those keywords were bad, what do you think about these (for the same conspiracy client):

• bret michaels bus of love
• britney spears story
• real world seasons

And these keywords had to be incorporated into conspiracy articles my dear readers. We were instructed to write about how these forms of entertainment distract Americans from the looming New World Order, da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I probably wrote close to a hundred of these 500 word articles last year. After spending hours researching the various conspiratorial topics, I did not leave with a newfound respect for conspiracy theorists.

In fact, it gave me insight into how terrified these people actually are – they are frightened of just about everything! Anything you can think of represents something that is out to get us, whether it’s as significant as the government, the tax system, the banking system or as insignificant as a TV series, a hamburger or the plastic container that houses your ham sandwich (mmmmm, I feel like a ham sandwich). Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING represents an obscure ‘they’ who are out to get us.

While I can appreciate that some conspiracy theories make plausible arguments, they also play the most absurd connect-the-dots I’ve ever seen – like some immunizations are linked to disorders such as autism, the pharmaceutical companies are owned or have ties with the world’s Jewish elite, therefore ‘they’ are trying to create a New World Order by disabling the population.

Hopefully there aren’t any conspiracy theorists reading this right now, but if there are, I’d just like to remind you that I could be working for the government, and I may have tapped into your computer, and I will totally use all of your details for the government database which will ultimately facilitate the emerging New World Order. Tee hee.